There Should Be A Badge For That

by Joe Jordan on January 28, 2012

Believe it or not, I was once a Girl Scout.

When I was a tweener, I sneaked back into the organization after having been unceremoniously booted out of the Brownies by a humorless troop leader. (I had refused to stop cracking up my fellow Brownies by turning my beanie inside out and letting it slip down my face.)

I made up for lost time as an overachieving Girl Scout, mostly because I was obsessed with earning those colorful embroidered badges. I absolutely loved stitching them onto the green sash that adorned the stylin’ Girl Scout uniform I wore to school every Wednesday.

Any Girl Scout with a work ethic could earn a badge for mastering a hobby or task, such as art, reading, sewing, writing, playing an instrument, and more. your mom or dad had to observe you completing all the steps, sign a slip and ba-da-bing, you got a badge!

I remember earning a Campfire Badge with a cute little flame design on it for successfully starting a campfire in my backyard. My troop leader didn’t know that my mom nearly suffered smoke inhalation while executing her supervisory duties and that I just missed qualifying for the next “how not to” Smokey Bear commercial.

Controversies aside, I rocked a full sashload of those badges.

The badge program was hugely motivating for me. I can’t help but think that same system might work wonders for grown-ups. Badges could successfully induce otherwise-unmotivated adults to get things done. plus, the sash would totally disguise a post-holiday chubby belly.

If there were a Dating Badge, cougars might actually date in their generation.

Want a Compassion Badge? Stop telling a crying baby to “just grow up.”

Donald Trump could earn a Hair Styling Badge in seconds with a deep breath and a pair of clippers.

I’m not sure what a Karma Badge would require, but I’d FedEx a case of them to the Rent-a-Cop who sprayed Occupy Wall Street protesters with Mace.

The Fiscal Responsibility Badge might just finally teach us lady folk that expenses from a Victoria’s Secret push-up bra have nothing to do with actual asset management.

These days, it would serve me well to try for the Tolerance Badge. I would put duct tape over my mouth around tailgating drivers, loud eaters, public smokers, litterbugs, friends who text back “k” and people named Rick Santorum.

I’m sure I could earn a No-Sarcasm Badge, but that would be the end of this column.

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There should be a badge for that

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